Our deepest need as human beings is the need to be loved. Our brains communicate emotions to one another, regardless of how carefully we chose our words.
Much of our relationship suffering is unnecessary and can be prevented by cultivating a loving relationship with ourselves. Cultivating self-compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions.
Anger has a way of popping up around disconnection and can sometimes linger for years, long after the relationship has ended.
Sometimes we turn the anger against ourselves in the form of harsh self-criticism, which is a surefire way to become depressed. And if we get stuck in angry rumination, who did what to whom and what they deserve for it, we live with an agitated state of mind and may end up getting angry at others for no apparent reason.
“Anger corrodes the vessel that contains it.”
To have the type of close, connected relationships we really want with others, we first need to feel close and connected to ourselves. Cultivating self-compassion is far from selfish.
Much of our suffering arises in relationship with others. As Sartre famously wrote, “Hell is other people.” The good news is that much of our relationship suffering is unnecessary and can be prevented by cultivating a loving relationship with ourselves.
There are at least two types of relational pain. One is the pain of connection, when those we care about are suffering.
The other type is the pain of disconnection, when we experience loss or rejection and feel hurt, angry, or alone.
Our capacity for emotional resonance means that emotions are contagious. This is especially true in intimate relationships. If you are irritated with your partner but try to hide it, for instance, your partner will often pick up on your irritation. He might say, “Are you angry at me?” Even if you deny it, your partner will feel the irritation; it will affect his mood, leading to an irritated tone of voice. You will feel this, in turn, and become even more irritated, and your responses will have a harsher tone, and on it goes. This is because our brains would have been communicating emotions to one another regardless of how carefully we chose our words.
In social interactions, there can be a downward spiral of negative emotions, when one person has a negative attitude, the other person becomes even more negative, and so on. This means that other people are partly responsible for our state of mind, but we are also partly responsible for their state of mind. The good news is that emotional contagion gives us more power than we realize to change the emotional tenor of our relationships. Self-compassion can interrupt a downward spiral and start an upward spiral instead.
Compassion is actually a positive emotion and activates the reward centers of our brain, even though it arises in the presence of suffering. A very useful way to change the direction of a negative relationship interaction, therefore, is to have compassion for the pain we’re feeling in the moment. The positive feelings of compassion we have for ourselves will also be felt by others, manifested in our tone and subtle facial expressions, and help to interrupt the negative cycle, in this way cultivating self-compassion is one of the best things we can do for our relationship interactions as well as for ourselves.
Not surprisingly, research shows that self-compassionate people have happier and more satisfying romantic relationships. In one study, for instance, individuals with higher levels of self-compassion were described by their partners as being more accepting and nonjudgmental than those who lacked self-compassion. Rather than trying to change their partners, self-compassionate people tended to respect their opinions and consider their point of view. They were also described as being more caring, connected, affectionate, intimate, and willing to talk over relationship problems than those who lacked self-compassion. At the same time, self-compassionate people were described as giving their partners more freedom and autonomy in their relationships. They tended to encourage partners to make their own decisions and to follow their own interests. In contrast, people who lacked self-compassion were described as being more critical and controlling of their partners. They were also described as being more self-centered, inflexibly wanting everything their own way.
Steve met Sheila in college, and after 15 years of marriage he still loved her dearly. He hated to admit this to himself, but she was also starting to drive him crazy. Sheila was terribly insecure and constantly needed Steve to reassure her of his love and affection. Wasn’t sticking around for 15 years enough? If he didn’t tell her “I love you ” every day, she would start to worry, and if a few days went by she got into a proper sulk. He felt controlled by her need for reassurance and resented the fact that she didn’t honor his own need to express himself authentically. Thair relationship was starting to suffer.
To have the type of close, connected relationships we really want with others, we first need to feel close and connected to ourselves. By being supportive toward ourselves in times of struggle, we gain the emotional resources needed to care for our significant others. When we meet our own needs for love and acceptance, we can place fewer demands on our partners, allowing them to be more fully themselves. Cultivating self-compassion is far from selfish.
It gives us the resilience we need to build and sustain happy and healthy relationships in our lives.
Over time Sheila was able to see how her constant need for reassurance from Steve was driving him away. She realized that she had become a black hole and that Steve would never be able to fully satisfy her insecurity by giving her “enough” love. It would never be enough. So Sheila started a practice of journaling at night to give herself the love and affection she craved. She would write the type of tender words to herself that she was hoping to hear from Steve, like “I love you sweetheart. I won’t ever leave you.” Then, first thing in the morning, she would read what she had written and let it soak in. She began giving herself the reassurance she was desperately seeking from Steve and let him off the hook. It wasn’t quite as nice, she had to admit, but she liked the fact that she wasn’t so dependent. As the pressure eased, Steve started to be more naturally expressive in their relationship, and they became closer. The more secure she felt in her own self-acceptanee, the more she was able to accept his love as it was, not just how she wanted it to be. Ironically, by meeting her own needs she became less self-focused and started to feel an independence that was new and delicious.
Self-Compassion and Anger in Relationships
Another type of relational pain is disconnection, which occurs whenever there is a loss or rupture in a relationship. Anger is a common reaction to disconnection. We might get angry when we feel rejected or dismissed, but also when disconnection is unavoidable, such as when someone dies. The reaction may not be rational, but it still happens. Anger has a way of popping up around disconnection and can sometimes linger for years, long after the relationship has ended.
Although anger gets a bad rap, it isn’t necessarily bad. Like all emotions, anger has positive functions. For instance, anger can give us information that someone has overstepped our boundaries or hurt us in some way, and it may be a powerful signal that something needs to change. Anger can also provide us with the energy and determination to protect ourselves in the face of threat, take action to stop harmful behavior, or end a toxic relationship.
While anger in and of itself is not a problem, we often have an unhealthy relationship with anger. For instance, we may not allow ourselves to feel our anger and suppress it instead. This can be especially true for women, who are taught to be “nice,” i.e., not angry. When we try to stuff down our anger, it can lead to anxiety, emotional constriction, or numbness. Sometimes we turn the anger against ourselves in the form of harsh self-criticism, which is a surefire way to become depressed. And if we get stuck in angry rumination, who did what to whom and what they deserve for it, we live with an agitated state of mind and may end up getting angry at others for no apparent reason.
Nate was an electrician who lived in Chicago. He had split from his wife, Lila, over five years ago, but he still got enraged every time he thought about her. It turns out that Lila had an affair with a close friend of theirs, someone they often socialized with, and that this went on behind his back for almost a year. As soon as Nate found out about it, he was seething with anger. He somehow managed to refrain from calling her every name in the book, but he was sick to his stomach whenever he thought about what had happened. He filed for divorce almost immediately, thank goodness they didn’t have children, so the process was relatively quick and easy. Although he hadn’t had any contact with Lila for several years, his anger never really subsided. And the trauma of the affair kept Nate from forming new relationships because he had such a hard time trusting anyone.
If we continually harden our emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves against those we’re angry at, over time we may develop bitterness and resentment. Anger, bitterness, and resentment are “hard feelings.” Hard feelings are resistant to change and often stick with us long past the time when they are useful. (How many of us are still angry at someone we are unlikely to ever see again?) Furthermore, chronic anger causes chronic stress, which is bad for all the systems of the body, cardiovascular, endocrine, nervous, even the reproductive system. As the saying goes, “Anger corrodes the vessel that contains it.” Or “Anger is the poison we drink to kill another person.” When anger is no longer helpful to us, the most compassionate thing we can do is change our relationship to it, especially by applying the resources of mindfulness and self compassion.
How? The first step is to identify the soft feelings behind the hard feelings of anger. Often anger is protecting more tender, sensitive emotions, such as feeling hurt, scared, unloved, alone, or vulnerable. When we peel back the outer layer of anger to see what is underneath, we are often surprised by the fullness and complexity of our feelings. Hard feelings are difficult to work with directly because they are typically defensive and outward focused. When we identify our soft feelings, however, we turn inward and can begin the transformation process.
To truly heal, however, we need to peel back the layers even further and discover the unmet needs that are giving rise to our soft feelings. Unmet needs are universal human needs, those experiences that are core to any human being. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers a comprehensive list of needs at http://www.cm/cnrg/ training/needs inventory. Some examples are the need to be safe, connected, validated, heard, included, autonomous, and respected. And our deepest need as human beings is the need to be loved.
By having the courage to turn toward and experience our authentic feelings and needs, we can begin to have insight into what is really going on for us. Once we contact the pain and respond with self-compassion, things can start to transform on a deep level. We can use self-compassion to meet our needs directly.
Self-compassion in response to unmet needs means that we can begin to give ourselves what we have yearned to receive from others, perhaps for many years. We can be our own source of support, respect, love, validation, or safety. Of course, we need relationships and connection with others. We aren’t automatons. But when others are unable to meet our needs, for whatever reason, and have harmed us in the process, we can recover by holding the hurt, the soft feelings, in a compassionate embrace and fill the hole in our hearts with loving, connected presence.
Nate worked hard at transforming his anger because he realized it was holding him back. He had tried catharsis to get it out, punching pillows, yelling at the top of his lungs but it didn’t work. Eventually Nate signed up for an MSC course because a friend was very enthusiastic about it and said it would reduce his stress.
When Nate came to the part of the MSC course that focused on transforming anger by meeting his unmet needs, he felt nervous but did it anyway. It was easy to get in touch with his anger, and even the hurt behind it, and feel it in his body. The toughest part was identifying his unmet need. Certainly Nate felt betrayed and unloved, but that wasn’t what seemed to be holding him back. Nate stuck with the exercise, and finally the unmet need revealed itself, and his whole body relaxed. Respect!
Nate came from a hardworking hlue-collar family, and his parents were still happily married after 30 years. He tried to do everything right in his own marriage, to the best of his ability, and he took his vows very seriously. Honesty and respect were core values for Nate. Knowing that Lila would never give him the respect he needed, it was too late for that, he took the plunge and tried to give it to himself. “I respect you,” he told himself. At first it felt silly and empty and hollow. So he paused and tried to say the words as if they were true. He thought about how much he had sacrificed to get his master electrician’s certification and open a business, the long hours he had put in to pay the mortgage and build a savings account. “I respect you,” he repeated, over and over, though it still just sounded like words. Then he thought of how honest and hardworking he had tried to be in his marriage, even though that wasn’t enough for Lila.
Very, very slowly, Nate started to take it in. Finally he put his hand on his heart and said it like he really meant it: “I respect you.” He started to tear up, because he actually felt it. Once he did, the anger at his wife started to melt away. He began to see her unmet needs, different from his, for more closeness and affection. Not that what Lila did was okay, but Nate realized that her behavior had nothing to do with his worth or value as a person. He couldn’t rely on any outside person, even one who was reliable and faithful, to give him the respect he needed. It had to come from within.
Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
When someone has harmed us and we still feel anger and bitterness, sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to forgive. Forgiveness involves letting go of anger at someone who has caused us harm. But forgiveness must involve grieving before letting go. The central point of forgiveness practice is that we cannot forgive others without first opening to the hurt that we have experienced. Similarly, to forgive ourselves, we must first open to the pain, remorse, and guilt of hurting others.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior or resuming a relationship that causes harm. If we are being harmed in a relationship, we need to protect ourselves before we can forgive. If we are harming another in a relationship, we cannot forgive ourselves if we are using this as an excuse for acting badly. We must first stop the behavior, then acknowledge and take responsibility for the harm we have caused.
At the same time, it’s helpful to remember that the harm done is usually the product of a universe of interacting causes and conditions stretching back through time. We have partly inherited our temperament from our parents and grandparents, and our actions are shaped by our early childhood history, culture, health status, current events, and so forth. Therefore, we don’t have complete control over precisely what we say and do from one moment to the next.
Sometimes we cause pain in life without intending it, and we may still feel sorry about causing such pain. An example is when we move across the country to start a new life, leaving friends and family behind, or when we can’t give our elderly parents the attention they need because of our work situation. This kind of pain is not the fault of anyone, but it can still be acknowledged and healed with self compassion.
The capacity to forgive requires keen awareness of our common humanity. We are all imperfect human beings whose actions stem from a web of interdependent conditions that are much larger than ourselves. In other words, we don’t have to take our mistakes so personally.
Paradoxically, this understanding helps us take more responsibility for our actions because we feel more emotionally secure. One research study asked participants to recall a recent action they felt guilty about, such as cheating on an exam, lying to a romantic partner, saying something harmful, that still made them feel bad about themselves when they thought about it. The researchers found that participants who were helped to be self-compassionate about their transgression reported being more motivated to apologize for the harm done, and more committed to not repeating the behavior, than those who were not helped to be selfcompassionate.
Anneka really struggled to forgive herself after getting super angry at her friend and coworker Hilde, whom she told to f-off. Anneka had been under a tremendous amount of pressure at work to secure a contract with new clients and was all set to close the deal at a dinner that they were hosting. The clients were pretty conservative, and Anneka knew she had to be on time and look appropriate for them to trust her. Hilde was supposed to pick her up for the dinner, but she wasn’t there at the appointed time. Frantic, Anneka called her. “Where are you?” Hilde had completely forgotten about the event. “Oh, I ’m so sorry,” she offered lamely. Anneka dropped the f bomb, said a few more unpleasant things, then hung up and called a taxi. Immediately after ward, Anneka felt terrible. This was her friend! Hilde hadn’t done anything purposefully harmful, she simply forgot, and Anneka has been too busy to remind her. The truth was that Anneka was so anxious about closing the deal that she lost perspective and ouerreacted.
There are five steps to forgiveness:
1. Opening to pain, being present with the distress of what happened.
2. Self Compassion, allowing our hearts to melt with sympathy for the pain, no matter what caused it.
3. Wisdom, beginning to recognize that the situation wasn’t entirely personal, but was the consequence of many interdependent causes and conditions.
4. Intention to forgive. “May I begin to forgive myself [another] for what I [he/she] did, wittingly or unwittingly, to have caused them [me] pain.”
5. Responsibility to protect, committing ourselves to not repeat the same mistake; to stay out of harm’s way, to the best of our ability.
At first Anneka harshly berated herself for her behavior, but she knew that heating up on herself wouldn’t help anyone. Instead, Anneka needed to forgive herself for having made a mistake, just as everyone makes mistakes.
Anneka had learned the five steps to forgiveness from her MSC course, so she knew what to do. First, she had to accept the pain she had caused Hilde. This was really tough for Anneka, especially since she didn’t get the contract she was hoping for. Her mind wanted to pin all the blame on Hilde. It was Hilde’s fault! But Anneka knew the truth. There was no excuse for talking to Hilde that way. It was wrong.
Anneka allowed herself to feel in her bones what it must have been like for Hilde to hear those words, from someone she considered a friend. That took some courage because Anneka felt so bad about it. Then Anneka gave herself compassion for the pain of hurting someone she loved. “Everyone makes mistakes. I’m so sorry you wounded your friend in this manner. I know you deeply regret it.” Giving herself compassion provided a bit of perspective, and Anneka was able to acknowledge the incredible stress she was under. The circumstances brought out the worst in her. Then Anneka tried to forgive herself, at least in a preliminary way, for her behavior. “May I begin to forgive myself for the pain I unwittingly inflicted on my dear friend Hilde.” Anneka also made a commitment to take at least one deep breath before speaking when she felt angry. Anneka knew this might take some time because she didn’t always know when she felt angry, but she was determined to try to be less reactive when under stress.
The central point of forgiveness is first opening to the hurt that we experienced or caused to others. Timing is very important because we are naturally ambivalent about feeling the guilt of hurting others or making ourselves vulnerable to being hurt again. As the saying goes, first we need to “give up all hope of a better past.”
Embracing the Good
One of the biggest benefits of self compassion is that it doesn’t just help you cope with negative emotions, it actively generates positive emotions. When we embrace ourselves and our experience with loving, connected presence, it feels good. It doesn’t feel good in a saccharine way, nor does it resist or avoid what feels bad. Rather, self compassion allows us to have the full range of experience, the bitter and the sweet.
Typically, however, we tend to focus much more on what’s wrong than on what’s right in our lives. For example, when you get an annual review at work, what do you remember the most, the points of praise or criticism? Or if you go shopping at the mall and interact with five polite salespeople and one rude one, which is most likely to stick in your mind?
The psychological term for this is negativity bias. Rick Hanson says the brain is like “Velcro for bad experiences and Teflon for good ones.” Evolutionarily speaking, the reason we have a negativity bias is that our ancestors who fretted and worried at the end of the day, wondering where that pack of hyenas was yesterday and where it might be hanging out tomorrow, were more likely to survive than our ancestors who kicked back and relaxed. This is evolutionarily adaptive when we face physical danger. However, since most of the dangers we face nowadays are threats to our sense of self, it is self-compassionate to correct the negativity bias because it distorts reality.
We need to intentionally recognize and absorb positive experiences to develop more realistic, balanced awareness that is not skewed toward the negative. This requires some training, just like mindfulness and self-compassion require training. Furthermore, since compassion training includes opening to pain, we may need the energy boost of focusing on positive experience to support our compassion practice.
Focusing on the positive also has important benefits. Barbara Fredrickson, who developed the “broaden and build” theory, posits that the evolutionary purpose of positive emotions is to broaden attention. In other words, when people feel safe and content, they become curious and start exploring their environment, noticing opportunities for food, shelter, or rest. This allows us to take advantage of opportunities that would otherwise go unnoticed.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” Helen Keller
Recently there has been a movement in psychology that focuses on finding the most effective ways to help people cultivate positive emotions, and two powerful practices that have been identified are savoring and gratitude.
Savoring involves noticing and appreciating the positive aspects of life, taking them in, letting them linger, and then letting them go. It is more than pleasure, savoring involves mindful awareness of the experience of pleasure. In other words, being aware that something good is happening while it’s happening.
Given our natural tendency to skip over what’s right and focus on what’s wrong, we need to plut a little extra effort into paying attention to what gives us pleasure. Luckily, savoring is simple practice, noticing the tart and juicy taste of a fresh apple, a gentle cool breeze on your cheek, the warm smile of your coworker, the hand of your partner gently holding your own. Research suggests that simply taking the time to notice and linger with these sorts of positive experiences can greatly increase our happiness.
Gratitude involves recognizing, acknowledging, and being grateful for the good things in our lives. If we just focus on what we want but don’t have, we’ll remain in a negative state of mind. But when we focus on what we do have, and give thanks for it, we radically reframe our experience.
Whereas savoring is primarily an experiential practice, gratitude is a wisdom practice. Wisdom refers to understanding how everything arises interdependently, The confluence of factors required for even a simple event to occur is mind boggling and can inspire an attitude of awe and reverence. Gratitude involves recognizing the myriad people and events that contribute to the good in our lives. As an MSC participant once remarked, “The texture of wisdom is gratitude.”
Gratitude can be aimed at the big things in life, like our health and family, but the effect of gratitude may be even more powerful when it is aimed at small things, such as when the bus arrives on time or the air conditioning is working on a hot summer day. Research shows that gratitude is also strongly linked to happiness. As the philosopher Mark Nepo wrote: “One key to knowing joy is to be easily pleased.”
The meditation teacher James Baraz tells this wonderful story about the power of gratitude in his book Awakening Joy, which we’ve adapted here by permission.
One year I was visiting my then eighty-nine-year-old mother and brought along a magazine with an article on the beneficial effects of gratitude. As we ate dinner I told her about some of the findings. She said she was impressed by the reports but admitted she had a lifetime habit of looking at the glass half empty. “I know I ’m very fortunate and have so many things to be thankful for, but little things just set me off” She said she wished she could change the habit but had doubts whether that was possible. “I’m just more used to seeing what’s going wrong,” she concluded.
“You know, Mom, the key to gratitude is really in the way we frame a situation,” I began. “For instance, suppose all of a sudden your television isn’t getting good reception.”
“That’s a scenario I can relate to, ” she agreed with a knowing smile.
“One way to describe your experience would be to say, ‘This is so annoying I could scream.” Or you could say, ‘This is so annoying. . . and my life is really very blessed. She agreed that could make a big difference.
“But I don’t think I can remember to do that,” she sighed.
So together we made up a gratitude game to remind her. Each time she complained about something, I would simply say “and . . . ,” to which she would respond “and my life is very blessed.” I was elated to see that she was willing to try it out. Although it had started as just a fun game, after a while it began to have some real impact. Her mood grew brighter as our weeks became filled with gratitude. To my delight and amazement, my mother has continued doing the practice, and the change has been revolutionary.
Most people recognize the importance of expressing gratitude and appreciation toward others. But what about ourselves? That one doesn’t come so easily.
The negativity bias is especially strong toward ourselves. Self appreciation not only feels unnatural it can feel downright wrong. Because our tendency is to focus on our inadequacies rather than appreciate our strengths, we often have a skewed perspective of who we are. Think about it, When you receive a compliment, do you take it in, or does it bounce off you almost immediately? We usually feel uncomfortable just thinking about our good qualities. The counterargument immediately arises: “I’m not always that way” or “I have a lot of bad qualities too.” Again, this reaction demonstrates the negativity bias because when we receive unpleasant feedback, our first thoughts are not typically “Yes, but I’m not aiways that way” or “Are you aware of all my good qualities?”
Many of us are actually afraid to acknowledge our own goodness. Some common reasons given for this are:
– I don’t want to alienate my friends by being arrogant.
– My good qualities are not a problem that needs to be fixed, so I don’t need to focus on them.
– I’m afraid I would be putting myself on a pedestal, only to fall off.
– It will make me feel superior and separate from others.
Of course, there is a big difference between simply acknowledging what’s true, that we have good as well as not so good qualities, and saying that we’re perfect or better than others. It’s important to appreciate our strengths as well as have compassion for our weaknesses so that we embrace the whole of ourselves, exactly as we are.
We can apply the three components of selfcompassion, self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, to our positive qualities as well as our negative ones. These three factors together allow us to appreciate ourselves in a healthy and balanced way.
Self Kindness: Part of being kind to ourselves involves expressing appreciation for our good qualities, just as we would do with a good friend.
Common Humanity: When we remember that having good qualities is part of being human, we can acknowledge our strengths without feeling isolated or better than others.
Mindfulness: To appreciate ourselves, we need to pay attention to our good qualities rather than taking them for granted.
It’s important to recognize that the practice of self appreciation is not selfish or self centered. Rather, it simply recognizes that good qualities are part of being human, Although some children may have been raised with the belief that humility means not recognizing their accomplishments, that approach can harm children‘s self-concept and get in the way of knowing themselves properly. Self-appreciation is a way to correct our negativity bias toward ourselves and see ourselves more clearly as a whole person. Self-appreciation also provides the emotional resilience and selfconfidence needed to give to others.
The best selling author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson writes, “We are all meant to shine, as children do. . . . And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Wisdom and gratitude are central to selfappreciation as well. These qualities help us to see our good qualities in a broader context. When we appreciate ourselves, we’re also appreciating the causes, conditions, and people, including friends, parents, and teachers, who helped us develop those good qualities in the first place. This means we don’t need to take our own good qualities so personally!
Alice grew up in a stern Protestant family where humility and self effacement were the expected norm. When she was eight years old and came home with a trophy for winning her third-grade spelling bee, she remembers, her mother just raised her eyebrows and said, “Now don’t you be getting too big for your britches.” Every time Alice accomplished anything she felt she had to downplay it or else receive the disapproval of her family.
Later on in life, Alice started dating a man named Theo who thought she was beautiful and kind and smart and wonderful and liked to tell her so. Alice would not only cringe with embarrassment; Theo’s comments made her anxious. What if Theo finds out I’m not perfect? What happens if I let him down? She would continually push aside his comments when he said something nice, leaving Theo feeling perplexed and on the other side of an invisible wall.
Alice was becoming adept at self-compassion, especially the capacity to see her personal inadequacies as part of common humanity. Self-appreciation made sense to Alice, primarily conceptually, but she knew she had a way to go. First Alice made a mental note of everything good that she did during the day, a moment of kindness, a success, a small accomplishment. Then she tried to say something appreciative about it, such as “That was well done, Alice.” When Alice spoke to herself like this, she felt like she was violating an invisible contract from childhood and it made her uneasy, but she persisted. “I’m not saying I’m better than anyone else or that I’m perfect I’m simply acknowledging that this too is true.”
Eventually Alice made a commitment to take in and savor the heartfelt compliments Theo gave her. Theo was so delighted by this turn of events that he bought her a bracelet that said on the inside, I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent!
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive
by Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD
get it at Amazon.com
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