‘Puer Aeternus’, Failure to Launch, The Millenial dilemma – Gillian McCann, and Gitte U Bechsgaard * Millennials who leave home before moving back in are causing havoc for their families – Emilia Mazza * Millennials May Never Be Able To Move Out Of Their Parents’ Homes.

From Italy to Britain to Canada, more and more millennials are failing to launch and remain at home well into their thirties.

If the child cannot move into adulthood their parents also cannot move onto the next stage of their lives.

No one is saying we need to return to early marriages but clearly our rites of passage have not kept up with the times.

When an adult child moves back home after they’ve left, parents can start to feel resentful, especially if their child is acting the same way they did before they left home.

“Puer Aeternus: Someone who remains too long in adolescent psychology.” Marie-Louise Von Franz

It is disturbing to think we have come to this but without an alternative it is likely we will see more court cases where parents take extreme measures in order to launch their adult children.

Recently the eyes of the world were riveted on a court case in Upstate New York. At the centre of the media storm was a couple, pictured sitting stoically in a courtroom, who were using the legal system to remove their 30-year-old son from the family home. How could it have come to this? Journalists, news anchors, and radio discjockeys rushed in to try and make sense of this story which seemed to resonate around the world.

There was good reason for British journalists to show up on the lawn of this family, this is not just an American problem. From Italy to Britain to Canada, more and more millennials are failing to launch and remain at home well into their thirties. The 2016 Canadian census showed a record-breaking 34.7% of young adults remained in the family home.

While economics, longer education times and helicopter parenting clearly have something to do with this situation we will leave those aspects to others to examine. We want to look at the psychology that is contributing to the increasingly common phenomenon of children who are seemingly unable to move into adulthood. A number of changes have occurred within our societies in the last 40 years to contribute to this seemingly baffling situation.

Beginning in the 1960s Jungian analyst Marie-Louise Von Franz gave a series of lectures on a complex that she referred to as the puer aeternus. Von Franz described this syndrome as someone who “remains too long in adolescent psychology.” At the time that she was giving these lectures this was a very rare psychological problem, but societal changes have resulted in it becoming increasingly common. Across the western world sociological surveys are registering a sea change in how people move, or don’t, into adulthood.

More and more people seem to be getting caught in the phase of adolescence in both their attitudes and lifestyles, unable to move into full adulthood. This inability has implications both for the psychological health of the individual and the well-being of their families.

If the child cannot move into adulthood their parents also cannot move onto the next stage of their lives.

What few have seemed to note amid all the public discussion is that adulthood is not a given but is defined by family, culture and society. We are not born knowing what a adult is or how one is supposed to act. However, many millennials are left without clear definitions about what a mature person would look or act like. Along with many progressive changes some of the negative impact of the 1960’s has been an obsession with youth and a suspicion of adulthood that continues to linger long after the hippie generation crossed the 30-year mark and thus were unable to trust themselves.

Contributing to this problem is the fact that many in our society have discarded the rituals that used to usher us through the different phases of life. Without these rites of passage and clearly marked changes in status it is very easy to become caught in what anthropologist van Gennep referred to as a liminal state betwixt and between. With the deciine of religious practice and community life fewer people now have access to the rites of passage that structure human and community life. As van Gennep writes, these rituais “enable the individual to pass from one defined position to another which is equaily well defined.“

Around the world there are a wide variety of usually religiously based rituals that signal to the individual, and their community that they are moving into adulthood. These range from the confirmation ceremonies of Christianity to the bar and bat mitzvahs of Judaism and the Tirundukuli of Hinduism and many more. These ceremonies witnessed by family and community, formal clothes and party are all a clear indication that the person’s status was changing. These rituals were meant to signal to their community the individuals new maturity and also to reinforce this psychologically as they took on more outer signs of independence such as a job and learning how to handle money.

Another feature of the failure to launch is that fewer and fewer people are getting married or are getting married later. For our parents’ generation the transition to adulthood happened in one fell swoop: You got married and moved out of the house often starting your own family shortly thereafter.

Michael Rotondo’s parents sued him to get him out of their house.

No one is saying we need to return to early marriages but clearly our rites of passage have not kept up with the times.

It is clear that we need as a society to determine what we mean by adulthood and then help the younger generation to makes these transitions. This requires a clear sense of what being an adult entails for example: the ability to think beyond one’s narrow selfinterest, emotional maturity, financial independence, and participation in community. If we ourselves don’t know it is impossible to expect the younger generation to embody these characteristics and they are left flailing. Life can become like a vast ocean without any markers to indicate where we are in the journey.

Lacking the ability to enforce these passages in the traditional manner the Rotondo family was forced to take it all to the next level and use the courts in order to enforce independence on their son. This may seem absurd but is perhaps not really surprising. For a period of time the Italian government was considering legislation to move their legion of mammones out of the house. In Italy currently 66% of 18-34 year olds live at home.

It is disturbing to think we have come to this but without an alternative it is likely we will see more cases where parents take extreme measures in order to launch their adult children.

The boomerang kids who are ruining their parents’ lives: Generation of millennials who leave home before moving back in are causing havoc for their families

Emilia Mazza

Adult children who move out of home and then move back, or those who simply refuse to leave the comforts of family life, are ruining parents lives.

Adult children who fly the coop and return home if their situation doesn’t work out have been dubbed the ‘Boomerang Generation’, while those who don‘t want to move out because they are at university longer or struggling with the cost of living have earned themselves the title of ‘adult-escents’, fully grown children who still live at home and act like teenagers.

Dr Justin Coulson says that although a move home by an adult child may be justified, this can have an effect on the well being of parents. He explained how research by the London School of Economics found adult children who return to the family home after leaving can cause a significant decline in their parents’ quality of life.

“Parents experience the same frustrations as they did when their kids lived at home but these seem to be multiplied because they have had a reprieve. They can start to feel as if their parenting duties have to start all over again.”

The author of 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know said when children leave home parents enter a new phase of life, one that’s far less burdened with the responsibility of bringing up kids.

“You start to do things your way, you do things that are convenient for you when they are convenient. And you don’t have to put yourself out for anyone else anymore. When an adult child moves back home after they’ve left, parents can start to feel resentful, especially if their child is acting the same way they did before they left home. They may start to worry about who left the garbage in the bin, or who left socks under the dining table or forgot to lock the house.”

Then there is the question of who is going to contribute and how. Whether or not they are going to pay rent, if they are, will they need to be chased.

“The accumulation of these smaller problems can be a real source of tension for parents who may have been thinking they no longer needed to worry about these things. Once a child has moved out, they are considered an adult so if parents have to pick up after them again then this can be a source of frustration and difficulty.”

Dr Coulson also explained there are adult children who simply refuse to take any responsibility for their lives, despite the fact they are of an age where they could. As well as a rise in millennials moving back home, adult children were also staying at home longer because the transition to adulthood was taking longer.

“Not only are we seeing more move back in, we’re seeing fewer kids moving out in the first place… We call it “adult-essence” instead of adolescence.

Grown children who haven’t moved out might become too cosy at home; they might fail to pull their weight around the house, or not pay their way.

They’re sloppy, they don’t clean up the dishes or they won’t clean their room. We feel like they’re at uni or at work but we’re still waking them up and they’re grown ups.”

Dr Coulson said although parents could face certain challenges when children do return home, there were times when offering a child a safe place was important.

“If parents can be responsive to the reasons that have led them to moving back home then they are less likely to experience the decline in satisfaction.”

Dr Coulson’s advice on how do deal with kids who do move back

* Parents shouldn’t be afraid to ask their adult children for rent

* Establish guidelines from the outset and expect your child to adhere to these

* Allocate responsibility, this can be a weekly chore such as taking out the rubbish, moving the lawns or helping to care for younger siblings

* If you feel you are being taken advantage it is okay to ask your adult children to leave

“Just because the research says you will be unhappy doesn’t mean we should say no to our kids if they have struck a difficult situation. We need to remember to be compassionate and offer to help.”

One important thing parents need to watch out for is a child who is trying to take advantage of the situation. Some kids are just looking for a free ride and that’s when the resentment and negative feelings can come up even more. If we can establish effective guidelines, living with adult children can be fantastic, they can contribute financially, do certain chores or babysit younger kids.

“It really doesn’t have to be bad but it comes down to having conversations from the outset, and being clear that if they don’t live up to these expectations it’s okay to ask them to leave.”

Millennials May Never Be Able To Move Out Of Their Parents’ Homes – Narcity

Studies show that millennials are, well, screwed.

‘Generation Screwed’ is the latest epithet assigned to millennials by boomers, and while it may be a rather harsh characterization, it does bear some truth. While it’s common for young adults to move back home with their parents after university, many of them are staying there for longer than expected, and sometimes it’s for reasons that are beyond their control.

Often times the current circumstances just don’t work in their favour. While the economy is somewhat looking up, graduates today are still faced with an unwelcoming job market and a real estate situation that is more volatile than ever. The combination of these two factors makes it difficult for millennials to establish the stable footing they require to leave the nest.

Most Canadian millennials have difficulty finding a job, with the unemployment rate for 15 to 24 year olds at a concerning 13.2%. Those that do manage to find work (that is, 48% of young Canadian adults), often land parttime or precarious jobs that end up being nothing more than temporary gigs. And those who can’t land a job at all resort to unpaid positions that garner as many as 300,000 willing interns across the country.

Without stable work, other life milestones like getting married or owning a house become fleeting fantasies rather than achievable ideals. It doesn’t help that the real estate market in Canada is out of control. According to the Canadian Real Estate Association (CREA), national sales are to drop by 3.3% this year, with the average price of a home in Canada now being more than $500,000. The millennials that do move out resort to renting; but even that presents some financial burden with rent increases doubling in some areas.

All of this is to say that those who stay at home with one’s parents shouldn’t automatically be misjudged as lazy and entitled individuals. Because the reality is that, for many people, staying home isn’t a choice, it’s necessity.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s